Friday, January 8, 2010

mY dAdDy's deParture

a close friend of mine has finally left m'sia, stepping his feet in the land of Germany...i were happy for him when i got the news that he will be flying there as this indicated he can pursue his study overseas...i knew he always wanted to leave this country and explore the foreign lands...so here came his chance...but at the same time, i felt sad over his departure as it seemed that i have lost a good friend for 5 years...

i began to ponder...when he was in malaysia, we hardly have the time to meet up..when he finds me out, i did not have the time and vice versa...thinking back, i felt so bad..im such a bad bad friend....2009 christmas break shud be the time when i can hang out with him in Taiping but i did not know why i were so busy...i couldnt spend the time chatting with him...lost updates about him...he did not even tell me that he was leaving 2day (8 Jan 2010)...i knew it through Sushan...teruk betul...and to be honest, i nearly cried when i saw her msg but luckily the tears were just welled up in my eyes...

Sushan and me planned a surprise for him in KLIA...this is the first time im sending a friend off in the airport...this shows how important this friend is to me...im such a lazy girl to travel around with public transport, yet because of him, im so willing to break my laziness for once and travel to KLIA with Sushan...if for other normal friends, i doubt i would be so kind to do so..i noe im being such a mean one...so, YOU see how important are YOU in my heart...hahahha...fortunately, a friend of mine offered to give me a lift..im always so lucky i know..really thanz him alot...nevertheless, i felt so guilty for making him to wait for us for more than 3 hours in the car...im just so sorry...din really noe it will take that long...

speaking of the surprise, i have spoilt Sushan's plan...her initial plan was to make him cry but mission was not very successfully completed...he did feel shocked but he kinda expected of our arrival...due to wat???...well, it was due to my call and msg-es...hhahahaz...im worried that he will leave the check-in point without us knowing it...then, it would be a waste of effort to be there...moreover, he took so long to reach KLIA when most students have reached the airport...so, i texted him to ask for his location lorr...while waiting, Sushan and me came out with this stupid idea...hahahaz..only both of us know what was the stupid idea...hahahha...den due to boredom, v two camwhored in the airport but only few pictures were taken...wanted to wait for him and captured more and more pictures..however,due to his late-ness, our idea cannot be achieved...sad...so little memories of us...

a final note to this post: hope you will like the farewell present we gave you...dont ever forget both of us..otherwise, we will come after you...hehehhez...you will be missed deeply by us..n thanz for being a very very great friend to me for almost 4 years...im really lucky to have you...may u have a great time in Germany...do take care...with lotz of hugz and kisses from your daughter...daddy, I love you...

to those who are curious who is the friend...well, let me introduce...his name is TEH CHEE WEI, my daddy for almost 2 years...he very teruk...dumped all his responsibilities as a daddy and flew off to Germany...bad bad..hahhaz..jk jk...

Thursday, January 7, 2010

well, i know this might sound too late yet i still want to wish you guys a very very Happy New Year 2010...hope that all of u have a great celebration on it...as for me, i spent my countdown working night shift in TGV...sound pathetic,aint??it was actually a NOT NOT NOT as i found it quite interesting...counting down with colleagues, having fun and crapping with them...moreover, all my besties were in hometown...wished they were here to celebrate but it did not appear that way...thus, i decided to work at night...thank GOD, it was a pleasant countdown eventhough it was in the absence of the fireworks..=P
2010 is finally here, leaving the year 2009 behind...2009 was indeed a bad bad year for me in terms of studies, relationships, friendships and family...facing a lag and drop in studies, two failed relationships in a year, few of my close friends ignored me without me knowing any reason, and ......( i will silent regarding the last one)....2008 was a year of tears for me but there were still many sweet memories and happenings that support me to face the tough road... 2009 was a year of tears too, but there was an add on of disappointment, depression, hurt, tired, anger-ness, lost-ness...the road was filled with many thorn bushes..it pained me each time i walked through...wonder when only can i finish the road...
before 2010, i have made a list of resolutions which include the bla bla bla n bla...thinking back, they were merely a list...they were not actionable if i did not enforce them...i really wish i could realise them but once again, im just too too toooooooooo stupid...lying lying n lying to myself...all the lies were just to comfort myself...for a month plus, i thought im healed...till recently, i heard a piece of news or perhaps i shud say, i got to know this by chance which triggered my emo button...tears began to roll down again...my mind was occupied with all the memories with him again and all the hurtful words and things he had done...to be frank, i really have less feelings towards him d..maybe it was only less than 10%...but why do i still feel pain and hurt when i knew that news??i really wonder...why why why why why???is it because i felt the reasons u gave me were not true???is it because i felt cheated???is it because im still thinking that you were taking me as a substitute last time??is it because im a selfish girl???is it so??
sometimes, i have been thinking, if all the WHYs can be answered, how nice life would be...why my problems cant be like the Mathematic questions whereby they have all the answers and solutions??i know im being a stubborn and stupid one....
though im emo-ing over it, there was a good side of me being in the year 2010...at least, i knew myself wont be hurt by any guys anymore this year...im closing the door and not letting anyone in...i know some of u all are treating me very very good but im just so sorry....im not a good girl as you all perceived...i have too many weaknesses in me...just divert your love to other more worthwhile girls...it was a real phobia for me to be hurt by two guys at the start of each sem in 2009...when i refreshed back, i wonder is it a curse??
i duno when only i will get over it...5 months plus have gone and the 6th month is on its way d..but i still dont see myself forgetting anything...however, one thing for sure is that i will move on...n im really appreciating all my friends who have been by my side all this while esp VIjay, Sushan, Sowann, Alice, n currently my daddy and god-daddy...really lucky to have you all...love you guys....with lots of hugs and kisses...lol..:)

Monday, November 23, 2009

2012

finally, i got to watch 2012 at Cathay Cineplex...i didnt yearn to watch this movie initially..it was my sis who told me that it's a very nice movie since my study break...n hence, i began to get addicted to it slowly...plus vijay n other friends told me the same thing too...at 1st, thought of watching it together with Vijay, SS n a few others who are available...too bad, all seemed to be tied up with their very own schedules...as such, 2day oli i got to watch it with my sis and another friend n end up kena 'cha' by Jo Lynn...it's alright..i will win you for the Newmoon...will watch it on the very first day itself...hahaha

well, this movie i duno why i have so much to critise on...i felt the story line was very illogical...what my uncle said was true...what is so big deal if 2012 really happens...making a big fuss over the space ships and those high tech tingys to keep the humans safe...n bear in mind, those ships were not for ALL humans...oli the so called 'elite' ppl are allowed to board in...govt ppl are always belonged to their own world...by appearance, they were acting kind, considerate towards mankind welfare..but when a disaster takes place, where are they???there was this one scene that made me felt so funny...spending 1billion Euro per seat just to harbour its own life by ignoring others..wow..1 billion Euro for a life...but in the end, his life was still taken away by God...

i really admired Adrian Helmsley's spirit in fighting for the chance of survival for millions of ppl who were struggling to seek help from the govt...it was really devastating to see the earthquakes and tsunami eating up billions n billions of lives...though the movie was not logic, tears still rolled down my cheeks when i saw all the innocent lives were taken away...n i learnt a lesson from the movie...care for the person that you wish to care 2day and not tomorrow for you will never noe what will happen tomorow...seek for forgiveness from the loved ones 2day instead of waiting for regrets...confess all the feelings that have been hidden in the heart to the one you love 2day and not leaving it for the right time...in this world, there's no such thing as right time...when you think it's the right time, it will be too late...

from the movie, i have come out with a few of my own theories...the preceeding was one of them..another was ' when you say it's for my own good, that's really not for my own good'...this was reformulated from jackson curtis' phrase 'when they say you dont have to worry, that's when you have to run'...you always say it's for my own good so that i will stop bugging you to tell me the reasons...but how you noe that's for my own good??u sked i will fall even deeper, u sked i will not be able to take it..u worried that i will collapse if i knew the real truth...u worried this n that asking me dont think so much...but i dont think that way...truth might hurt me but at least it will make my heart dies for once n all...

speaking whether 2012 will really be realised...i doubt it..cause, it will just be too soon...and if it really happens, then Mother Earth will decide itself who and which to survive on earth...we cannot do much besides praying hard n changing attitudes...

after movie, i really syiok sendiri..really damn camwhore lately...n it simply makes me feel happier though the pictures were very very not nice..but i did not take much pictures le..so sad...hahahz..if Chin was there, definitely i will take alot alot d wan as the decorations were very scenic...=)
i cant upload pictures today...all the pics were in my Sis fon and my hp bluetooth cant be used and she forgot to bring her phone's cable..so photoes upload have to be delayed!!!

2mrw is another fun day for me..yesterday so emo, tis week mus enjoy to the fullest...gona go to aunty hous to swim..weeeeheee..hopefully, the rain wont pour 2mrw...God Bless pls...

Sunday, November 22, 2009

eMo

the emo girl has returned once again...feeling emo till the very max today...nothing seems to go on the right track for me today..it was supposed to be a fun day for me,yet it turned into a sour one...it was only the morning part before i went to work that made me laughed like a mad girl...

while waiting for the cinema shuttle to open, i met up with my Godbro, Calvin...really damn long din see him d.. getting so muscular...but he is too small size d...he showed me his trained six packs abdomen but i hardly see any six packs...lolx...n he changed quite alot physically...i think the last time i saw him was in Jan...superb long...meeting him will definitely tickle my heart...he has lotsa of craps n jokes to spill out...n he has lots of fun stories to share with oso...so v had bout 20 minutes of chit chat and then Im off to my work..so sad as the time passed so fast...still want to hear all his stories especially all his clubbing experiences...my this bro recently has turned into a clubber fan man...really salute him...nevertheless when i was working, he did turn up in front of me again n v had another 10 mins of chatting..lol...in short, im really happy to see you bro..hope v can catch up soon again...=)

supposingly, me, jacky n vijay will be watching Astro Boy at 5pm..so i bought the tickets for that showing time...i tot i would be able to finish work at 4pm..the latest by 5pm...but it did not turn out that way...6pm oli im allowed to close counter...so i wasted RM12 just because of that...haihz..n that's the moment when my emo-ness came...to make things worse was that I short of money again...duno why tis time back to work at TGV, i kept donating money to the safe each time i work at Candy Bar...three times at candy bar, three times oso i short...i really duno why...last time i did not have such problems..but tis time, the candy bar seems to curse me...din short stock but short money or vice versa...i kept thinking how i can lose the stock or how come the money is not in the right balance...but just simply couldnt find the answer...i know sum ppl might think that im earning black money but i can raise my three fingers up and swear that i did not do so...i begin to have PHOBIA towards candy bar d...haihz...my mood was partially struck down by this...i hate CANDY BAR!!!!!

cant watch movie and have to donate money!!!!!emo-ness all came to me...tears almost rolled down my cheeks while i was waiting for Vijay and Jacky to meet me...luckily they were just welled up in my eyes...i know these were just very little things but i really do not know why i suddenly became like this...i myself oso getting so tired with myself...abit abit cry...so useless me...on top of that, my leg pained me due to the new shoes...both of my legs were having blisters at the sides...felt so hard to walk till i walked like orang tempang...end up, kena ejek by the two ppl...the blisters that were created last week still not recovered yet, so it did bleed a little 2day coz i wore the same shoes again...even a side stall salesperson in pyramid who saw me, pitied me and being so kind offering me a plaster but i declined it...

my emoness reached the climax when we were having Mcd for dinner...at 1st, i dont feel like eating meat 2day but Im controlled by the devil d..im so sorry to Kuan Yin that i have broken my promise...im really sorry...then got one thing happened...he die die oso dunwant to tell me the answer...reason being he has forgotten it...i have been bugging him to tell me since last time but he refused...now he told me that he has forgotten...of course i did not give up...i kept bugging him from pyramid till reached his house...i realy want to know the answers..perhaps, i have been telling white lies to myself all this while...perhaps, im not satisfied with it...or perhaps...i oso duno...he's making me hanging halfway that i felt so suffocated...conveying all the pyschology theory n so on to me...why on earth do i need to noe that when what i want from you is just such a simple request...i really yearn for the answer...can u please be a kind person n tell me???you always said it's for my own good...but that's from your point of view and not mine...feeling so pain deep down in my heart...not physically but mentally...hate you!!!

till now, im still feeling so emo..duno what to do...EEEEEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

dOn't waNt anY chAnge

it's the 18th of the month again...exactly four months have passed...nevertheless, i realised how much i miss him still...suddenly, i missed the ppl deep down in my heart...my heart is being so not obedient...i really nothing, feels nothing bout it ady...my life have become very peaceful and calm but something happened today that proved to me that his position in my heart still remains...and there comes the emotional girl again...how i wished you never send me that msg...how i wish you never tell me those nunsense...i dont und why ppl tend to think the other way round...i oli take u as my kor kor all this while and i never do or giving u any hints that i have feelings to you..you ady noe very clear who is in my heart...you noe that it is impossible that i will accept anyone though i know the fact very clear that me n him will never be together...yet why do u want to say that to make me think of the ppl more....im really trying my best to forget him...but u made me double confirm that truth is, i still very very love him...now i und that if a guy treated a girl so good, it means they are having some intention behind and that's what make me feel so sick bout them...girls and guys are really so hard to remain as friends...i wished u could just keep it to yourself and dont tell me anything...u made me think of him more today...u made me assured myself that my heart still has him...u noe that i dont want to step into this kind of matter anymore...i just want to be have a SINGLE but UNAVAILABLE status...yet, u still told me some nunsense...u made me dont know how to face u and reply all your msg-es...so, if i have hurt you, i really cant do anything...u want to say im being stubborn or watever i dont care coz you know what my answer will be no matter what...n i really dunoe how to tok to u d...i know u might not read this post..if u read it, den hope u can und...i really dont wish to hurt anyone..now im getting a phobia in going out with guys...i can talk and go out with you like usual as a friend but please dont think more than that...my heart cant fit anyone d now but one...really do hope u can und...otherwise, all of us will be very awkward...
right now, my heart cries...i really very very miss him...i miss those days before v started..i miss the moments that we were together...those were my true happiness for the year after a bad incident that took place in January...well, i will not do anything that harm myself...all that is happening now is that he is still conquering my heart and i will leave it in...i will live my life to the fullest...enjoying my holidays like what Im doing currently by working, going out with friends, hanging out with my relatives..it is a good fun...my life now turns into a very peaceful one and i dont wish to have any change anymore for now...i dont know what will happen in the future but thats what i want for now...:)

Thursday, November 12, 2009

nigHtmarEs

the clock now is showing 3.34 am...is AM...yet, what am i doing at this hour???is not that i do not want to sleep...my regular disturber or to be more precise is my daily disturber...the NIGHTMARES...i really cant stand YOU...YOU make me have insufficient and lack of quality of sleep...every night, i have to wake up in the middle of the night...none of the days that i could sleep from the moment i close my eyes till the morning no matter how tired I am...why am i being disturbed by the dreams so much...i really hate YOU...YOU make my night a miserable one...YOU make me cant have a good sleep...

can anyone teach me how to get rid those scary dreams...every night when i am awaked by the nightmares, i feels scared, nervous and all sorts of uneasy feelings...i really do not know what to do...wish to find someone to disturb but do not know who to turn to...if it was last time, i definitely would not have problem in sleeping back after the terrible dreams...there was one of my very good friend who will always be there for me whenever i had nightmares...all the msg-es and calls had helped to ease me down...but since one incident happened, both of us were no longer in contact and hence, I no longer find him...n nowadays i have to be independent to face those dreams alone...cause i dun wish to disturb others and give wrong indication to anyone who wish to help me...i keep wondering why do i have nightmares...n those were really scary...some even make me actually cry...i could feel the tears in my eyes when i woke up...weird aint??i felt that too...but how can i overcome that???

i know all this while i have been having nightmares...but im getting tired of them...my nights simply get spoiled by them...what are the dreams that kept appearing in my head??some involved deaths, some involved violence, n others i forgotten d...i really wana to be like others to sleep from the time im on the bed till the morning...HELP!!!!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

~______________~

it's always a question mark in my mind...why do ppl can be so cruel??when a person loves you, he or she can love you with all his or her heart and soul...but when a person hates you, he or she can hate you to the bone...sometimes i wonder, a couple after break up cant be friend again??must the ppl do till as if he did not know the other person???do you know how hurtful it is when u do like tis to me??

i thought i could ignore your appearance...i thought i can take u as invisible one...i thought i'm strong enough to take as if nothing happened before...i thought i can be tough when i see you...i thought i can be happy since a few months have passed...i thought im cured since i have not been sad for a month plus d...i thought i will be fine for all the things that took place now...but all my thoughts were on the reverse side...they were all conflicting with my heart...my heart has really deeply failed me...truth is, my heart isnt as strong as i thought of...it bleeds so easily...it cries so easily...it screams so easily...it breaks so easily...my heart is really a fragile one...

initially, i was really fine when i saw you...really really nothing that make me sad over you anymore...but i duno why when i saw you on the 5th day of my working day, my heart seemed to be troubled so much...i duno why we two are just like strangers who do not know each other...i duno why i cant even utter a word of 'Hello' to you...i know you dont wish to talk to me..i know you dun wish to see me...perhaps these were the reasons that i did not have the courage to talk to you other than the work stuff...even you did not say a single word too...you were so quiet when i was left alone with you...i think both of us were trying to take each other invisible...well, you have succeeded but i have failed...i really felt hurt by your act...i felt hurt not because of the broke up...i felt hurt because you were so cruel...i felt hurt because u treated me totally like a stranger...i know ignorance is a normal thing after break up..but i seriously hate that kind of feeling...i've seriously been thinking cant a break-up couple be friends again??isit necessary to be a stranger??i never thought of wanting to be together with you again...that's for sure...i just hope i can be friend with you again cause the feeling of being ignored is really not a pleasant thing to experience...i really wonder when only can we talk like last time again...isit possible or isit impossible???i supposed the latter will prevail...